"Pineapples"

by C. Diane Kuhl
a.k.a 'pd Rydia'

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Author's preface: 

This story is an adaption of a chat RP between herself and three friends, Shinigori (RPer and creator of Griff Amaniziani), UnclePervy/SongstressEnlil (RPer and creator of Aliester Purvis, or Pervy), and ChibiUrusai (RPer and creator of Yfandes, or the unnamed woman in this story).  As such, the contents of this piece are a collaboration of the creators/RPers of the four characters of this story; only the actual adaptation to story format was done by Diane.

Do not copy this story in any part or whole, and especially do not claim it as your own.  If you find this story anywhere other than at RPGWW (http://zeke.tzo.com/rpgww) or Diane's DeviantArt account (http://pdrydia.deviantart.com), please contact the author immediately, at pdrydia AT hotmail DOT com.  You can use the same address to send feedback, which is always appreciated.

The characters Griff Amaniziani, Aliester Purvis (Pervy), and Yfandes belong to their respective RPers, Shinigori, UnclePervy/SongstressEnlil, and ChibiUrusai/SALSAlys of RPGWW fame/infamy.

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The sun was just dipping under the horizon and, perched atop streetposts, covered oil lamps lit up the avenues, guiding various Domans on their ways home.  The last, most tenacious of merchants, who finally admitted defeat--at least for the day; errant children who had promised to 'be home before suppertime'; the socialite who just realized he or she was running an errand, and oh dear, it was time to hurry on back now; all these people and more you will find in the city of Doma, hurrying home by the light of the streetlamps in the evening.

Of course, not only those going home avail of the convenience provided by the streetlamps. Indeed, many find that they prefer to be active at these hours.  Those up and about Doma's capital in the evening had a number of venues at which to while away their time, of course--but what establishment could possibly be more wholesome than your friendly neighborhood pub?

The Jade Dragon is just one of the many that lie in Doma.

At this time of dusk-turning-into-night, the Jade Dragon was not quite as busy or rowdy as it has been known for.   A low, steady hum filled the background, with only the occasional crash or yelling from the infamous back room.  Clusters of various patrons were scattered about the inn--eating, drinking, laughing.  Hitting on that hot dragon chick.  Arguing with the walls.  Bemoaning the state of their romantic life to their mug of hot cocoa.

Trying to shoo the lapdragons off the pinball machine.  Unsuccessfully.

As it so happened, three figures were grouped loosely together around a table near the empty stage of the inn.  A gruff-looking blond man, bedecked in crimson pants, a similarly colored trench coat, and a simple green shirt, stood towering over the other two.  The other two, in turn, were seated at a table, apparently chatting with each other.

"Incarceration isn't really funny," the woman of the group seemed to have just interjected.  She cocked her head, flashing a sudden grin, and with a flick of her royal blue cat ears--managing, overall, a terribly coy look.  She went on to assert, "Pineapples are funny!"

The man across from her--bedecked in the familiar robes of a white mage--was remarkably unimpressed with all of this, however.  His response was to take a calm sip from his drink without even a twitch of his own, immaculately white feline ears.  The blond man, however, rose to the bait.

"Don't you know that pineapples are the devil's work, Sizreina?" he rebuffed.  "Believe me, I asked him."

The woman, who looked a good 24 or so years of age, looked up at the man with nothing but wide-eyed, ingenuous belief in her eyes.  "Really, Griff?  Is that so?"

If she or Griff noticed the sidelong glance from their scruffy-haired companion, neither gave any indication.  Instead, Griff simply responded, "Would I lie?" His own eyes gleaming with an almost innocent look.

"Would I glomp you?" Siz countered, blinking.  "Or tackle my brother?  Ooor...dye someone's hair pink?"

She grinned, an expression of utmost glee.  "Of course not!  So!  What did the devil say about pineapples, exactly?"

Placing both his hands squarely on the edge of the table, Griff leaned over and looked gravely from one of his companions to the other.  "He said," he began in a solemn tone of voice, "'The creation of pineapples can solely be traced--to me.'  Those were his exact words."

Sizreina's eyes grew wide as she drank in all the details.  "Ooooh..." she drawled.  For all the world looking like a young child being told a ghost story, she continued in scandalized tones,  "Pineapples, the devil's work!"

"'Tis that why I hear them things whisper at night?" interjected their previously silent, red-headed companion.

Griff, who appeared to be smothering an expression bordering between disbelief and amusement from Sizreina, quickly turned his attention to the new speaker.  Meanwhile, Sizreina quietly hummed an even note in the background.  "What's this, Pervy?"

"Well," the mage expounded, leaning back in his chair, "Ye know, once, when I twas sailin' t' Baron...I had some pineapples in th' hold.  Swear I could hear them bastards whisperin' at night."

Griff nodded solemnly.  "They do.  Pineapples are really...uh...demons. In their...natural form!"

"What secrets did they whisper, Captain?" Siz asked, leaning forward as her tail swished behind her in curiosity.

"Aye...heard 'em plain as day in me cabin..." the white mage continued, in his proper old seaman tone.  "'Overthrow the government,' they said!"

"Yes, yes...pineapples are known anarchists," agreed Griff, shaking his head.

"But that ain't th' creepy bit," Pervy went on, squinting his eyes. He leaned forward, setting his elbows against the tabletop and resting his chin against his intertwined fingers.  "We all hear 'em, right?  So we toss th' bastards overboard.  Next day, there they are, back in' th' hold!  An' every fish fer miles 'round--dead!"

"The devil's work."  Griff growled.  "Foenix played a part in that fiasco, I'd say."

"So we're scratchin' our heads, tryin' t' figure out what t' do wit' th' bloody things.  Then Smokey Jay, me gunner, comes up wit' a plan--well, much o' a plan as Jay can have."  At this point, Pervy threw both hands up in the air in exasperation.  "'Blast 'em outta a cannon' he said!  So!  We load 'em up in th' cannons, aye?"

"Aye," Siz replied, eyes round as coins and voice laden with anticipation.

"And fire 'em all off at once!"  Pervy clapped his hands together loudly, paused, and then slowly spread them apart.  "...Guess what happened?"

Griff scowled.  "They came right back, didn't they?"

"They leaped up and mauled your faces!" Siz shouted, leaping up with this proclamation.  It seemed that she couldn't help herself anymore.

"Well, I wouldn't be surprised, looking at Pervy," Griff replied nonchalantly.  "I mean, look at him. He was obviously mauled by something."

Pervy, however, went on as if the outburst had never happened, narrowing his eyes and pointing a finger at Sizreina.  "Every last one flew out, then turned right back...and sank me damned ship!  Went right through th' fuckin' hull like it t'was paper!"

"Well, dang,"  Siz replied in a calm tone, blinking.  "Had to swim back to shore, then?"

"Damn right," the seaman confirmed, leaning back in his chair once more.  "And they didnae stop, either.  Kept right on goin'.  Might still be out there, fer all I know."  Looking around shiftily, Pervy lowered his voice and added, "But since then...I burn th' bastards every time I see 'em."  With a firm nod, he took a long pull from his drink

Stretching mightily, Siz relaxed again and summed up her thoughts on the story.  "Spooky," she remarked with solemn expression.  However, her navy eyes twinkled, and she still managed to look rather pleased with herself.  "Who would have known such a tasty, delicious treat was really the devil's work!"

While her acquaintances exchanged looks, Sizreina paced a few lengths, and then whistled an even note.  Then, suddenly, she scaled up half an octave, and back down a full octave.

"Yer good at that," Pervy noted.  "Know th' flute, then?"  

"The epic battle between the noble captain and the pineap--"  Siz muttered to herself, digging around in the pockets of her cyan blue, baggy pants for a scrap of paper and a writing utensil of some sort.  "Huh? Flute? Nah, I just sing.  I make songs sometimes..."  she trailed off, for--having found her needed tools--she had begun scribbling furiously on the back of the invoice.  Pervy, in curiosity, maneuvered himself to watch over Sizreina's shoulder, looking on with slight surprise as she rapidly composed a song, crossing out and rewriting frequently.

Suddenly, however, she stopped.  To Pervy, the song only looked slightly over halfway composed.  Nonetheless, Sizreina began to hum an even note again, and shortly started to sing quietly.

       "When the worlds were finely wrought
       "In times long past, the great gods sought
       "To bring to being wond'rous things,
       "To fill the void with Lives amazing.

       "Yet with the gods peace was not found;
       "T'was one not friendly t'those earthbound.
       "His soul most dark, bitter, and sour
       "Desired to plague Life with his power."

With each verse, Sizreina gradually raised the volume and dramatic tone of her voice.  Pervy, meanwhile, perked an ear towards Siz, while other patrons in the bar began to turn their attention towards her, with varying expressions of surprise, confusion, and drunkenness.

       "He thought and plotted, plotted and thought,
       "Till finally a devilish plan he wrought.
       "To use Life against Life was his plan;
       "He sent to the worlds a nefarious...plant."

       "Fruit it did bear, most alluring and sweet,
       "Innocent-seeming was this fine-looking treat.
       "But only give them a chance, and one will find--
       "These treats harbor a sinister side;

"Pervy and I made up a story about evil pineapples, and she wrote a song about it..." Griff muttered to a nearby patron, by way of explanation.  Pervy, meanwhile, let out a loud guffaw, while Sizreina continued to sing with great enthusiasm.

       "Pineapples! So sweet and tasty, yet so foul!
       "Pineapples!
       "Created by the darkest powers!
       "Pineapples!
       "Not so innocent as they seem!
       "Pineapples!
       "A most monstrous fruit one could ever see!"

With a spin and a mighty flourish, Sizreina finished her song, breaking off into mighty giggles and resuming her seat near Griff and Pervy.

"Gobs!"  Pervy hollered.  "Get this woman a damned drink!" 

Siz grinned fiendishly, and bobbed her head in appreciation.  "Thanks, Captain!"

"Pineapples," a nearby woman shook her head slightly.  "Your idea, or the Captain's?"

However, she could get no response from Sizreina.  In fact, the mere mention of pineapples for the next several days would send Siz off into uncontrollable fits of laughter, for which from her no explanations could be elicited.